July 4, 2017
Recent events have caused me to start looking over my long term interactions with people throughout my life. Every single long term direct interaction with people has ended badly for me in some way. The only people I ever really got along with were my Grandparents on my Mother's side and the man who may have been my father and his second wife and family. This was all in my home town where I started out my life.
I can trace all of my people problems back to my Mother. However, I do not blame her for the way she was. I can not explain the way she was, especially since her parents were good solid family people with wonderful family values. I learned any values I have from my Mother's parents. I do not trust people and I do not want to be around them.
I see Mary as being the same kind of person my Mother was - always wanting their own way in everything and using guilt trips and manipulation to get that. They would also resort to subtle threats - not specifically voiced but obviously there. My Mother would even pit her husband1 against me.
If I ever bring up a problem to a person, it always ends badly for me eventually. I believe this is because I am a fixer, and when I see a problem I want to fix it and make things right and better for everyone involved. I get very frustrated very quickly when somebody picks an obviously bad or wrong solution to a problem. With issues relating to myself, I eventually get to a point where I simply must remove myself physically from the situation. With jobs, this has been four years. With personal relationships it varies.
The simple fact is that I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE, and they all scare me very much. I do not want to live with them or directly interact with them. I should not be living with people at all and I do not want to live with anyone.
I definitely did not want to get into this living situation in what is called an Independent Living Facility (ILF). These are not regulated in any way, but if my current experience is any indication they revolve around those people who are vulnerable or disables. This includes homeless people. When I came to live in this ILF, I was vulnerable2 and am disabled. I was at the end of the time I could stay in the shelter I was in at the time, and I did not have anywhere else to go except back out on the street. I was evicted in October of 2014, so this made it impossible to get a place to live in even the worst buildings because the all seem to do credit checks now. So, I had an opportunity to come live in this ILF. No questions were asked an no credit check was required. I have been living here for two years as of July 3rd, 2017 and I have never liked it. The place is on a long winding hill I can not walk up without hurting for several days after taking a thirty-five minute walk up it.
The only way I can successfully interact with people over a long period of time is online. I can even collaborate successfully with people online. I fully believe that if it were not for my online friends that I would not want to interact with people at all. These online friendships are the only relationships of any kind that I care about maintaining. I do not know what would happen if I ever meet any of my online friends in person. I do not want to leave my room at all, or go out when I need to do regular things like get money to pay rent or pick up medications. When I do go out, I am always tense and just want to get back to my room as soon as possible. I do not want to interact with people who live here and avoid that as much as I can. I am only really happy when I am by myself and can completely control when and how I interact with people.
In short, I am very broken, and there is no fix.